Marx on Monday: Bob Geldof

There’s been a little too much criticism recently from people who have neither right nor qualification to comment on major liberal issues such as third world aid and climate change. One such sad individual, as usual, is the right wing rent a quote guru – James Delingpole. Week after week in column after column he pours scorn on the very concept of global warming and aid for Africa – and he knows absolutely nothing about either.

Okay, Delingpole might have gone to Oxford University and have a brain the size of a planet – but he graduated with a degree in English (although you wouldn’t think it if you read his writing) not science. When are idiots like Delingpole going to realise that when it comes to major issues like anthropogenic climate change or third world poverty we’re not in the slightest bit interested in what unqualified idiots like him have got to say? The only people we liberals will listen to on such issues are highly qualified scientists who are experts in their field or uninformed liberal celebrities.

By coincidence I was reminded of how eloquent and clear thinking liberal celebrities can be only last week.  I was in Filthy McNasty’s, London’s finest Irish Pub, enjoying a pint of Guinness when the man on the bar stool next to me, who was reading a newspaper, suddenly exploded, “what a load of shite!”

I looked up in surprise at the eruption and gasped, for the man was none other than legendary philanthropist and savior of the planet Sir Bob Geldof.

“Hello Sir Bob,” I greeted the writer of such classic and clever hits like Mary of the 4th Form warmly, “what’s making you so angry?”

“It’s a stupid article by that idiot James Delingpole,” he replied, “casting doubt on global warming.”

“Do you think there is global warming,” I asked the man who called his first daughter Fifi Trixibelle, “and that it’s caused by human carbon emissions?”

“There’s no doubt about it Kevin,” he replied. “I was speaking last week to 8,000 young delegates from 190 countries at the One Young World Summit in Johannesburg and I explained to them that unless we act now the world will end in 2030.”

“End in 2030,” I was flabbergasted, “how?”

“There will be a mass extinction just like there was with the dinosaurs,” Bob shared his expert scientific knowledge with me, “it won’t be like world war one or world war two it will be the end of human life on planet earth.”

“I knew the planet was in danger,” I replied, “but I didn’t realise it would be destroyed by 2030.”

“We may not reach 2030,” Bob became animated, “we need to take drastic action now.”

“What sort of action?” I asked the man who called his second child Peaches Honeyblossom.

“As I explained to the delegates at the One Young World Summit there’s only one thing we can do,” Bob replied, “we need to be less Irish, less Cameroonian, less Chinese, less Russian and more human.”

“Okay,” I replied, “that makes sense.”

To be perfectly honest it didn’t really make a lot of sense but you can’t expect mere mortals like me to understand the wise rantings of an intellectual liberal giant like Bob Geldof.

“It’s odd you being a climate change emissary Bob,” I told him, “didn’t you say a few years ago “In the UK, we’ll soon have to scramble for more nuclear power. On this issue, I don’t care what anyone says: we’re going to go with it, big-time. We may mess around with wind and waves and other renewable energy sources, trying to make them sustainable, but they’re not. They’re Mickey Mouse”?”

“That was before I realised that global warming was a liberal issue,” he explained, “now I know the official liberal line I’m all for wind farms and totally opposed to nuclear power.”

“So is climate change the number one cause in your heart today?” I asked the man who called his third child Little Pixie.

“No way Kevin,” he scoffed, “I’m still totally committed to the eradication of famine and poverty in Africa.”

“And how are you going to achieve that?” I asked him.

“By persuading first world governments to give a bigger percentage of their tax yield to the third world,” he replied.

“But doesn’t the UK already pay 0.7% of its GDP in third world aid?”

“Absolutely,” Bob beamed, “which is a fantastic effort.”

“But didn’t you shelter a fortune in an artificial tax avoidance scheme in the British Virgin Isles,” I played Devil’s advocate, “thus avoiding paying £1.6 million in tax?”

“Your point being?” he frowned.

“My point being that 0.7% of £1.6 million is around £11,000,” I replied, “which would have gone to feed starving Africans but has gone into your greedy hypocritical pocket instead.”

“How could they begrudge me that after all I’ve done for the bloody Africans,” Sir Bob scoffed,” when I first came up with the idea of Band Aid people had forgotten all about me. I was like Judy in the song Rat Trap, deep down in my pocket I find 50p, hey is that any way for a famous pop star to be?”

“But you weren’t famous anymore,” I corrected him.

“That was the problem,” he snapped back, “nobody had even heard of the Boomtown Rats!”

“I remember when you released “Do they know it’s Christmas?” and held the Band Aid concert,” I reminisced, “before you committed yourself to solving the problem of famine in Africa six million children a year were starving to death.”

“That’s right,” Bob nodded in agreement, “thanks to the selfish greed of rich people in the first world who had far more than their fair share the Africans were poorer than me and I was bloody skint.”

“And now that you’ve dedicated the last thirty years of your life to solving the problem of famine in Africa how many children starve to death in Africa a year?”

“Still six million,” Bob shrugged, “but at least I’m not skint anymore, I’ve got over $50 million in the bank!”

“And are you still trying to persuade people to help the starving African children?” I asked the writer of such classic hits as Banana Republic.

“Absolutely,” he replied, “I recently lectured a group of people at a charity dinner in Melbourne about the tragedy of Third World poverty and the failure of governments to combat the crisis.”

“And did the charity dinner raise much money?” I asked.

“It certainly did,” he enthused, “the tickets cost a fortune and there was also a charity auction. The generous citizens of Melbourne dug deep and the event raised 100,000 Australian Dollars.”

“I’ll bet that must have fed some ravenous children,” I smiled.

“Not really,” Bob frowned, “after the expenses were paid there was nothing left for the starving babies of Africa.”

“Nothing at all?”  I gasped.

“Not a bean,” he confirmed.

“Where did all go,” I asked, “was it swallowed up by the cost of renting the room or on the cost of the food?”

“No a local hotel provided the room for nothing and a local restaurant donated the food and six chefs and twelve waitresses free of charge,” said Bob.

“So where did the money go?” I demanded to know.

“My appearance fee,” the millionaire philanthropist replied, “I charged them 100,000 Australian Dollars for making my speech.”

“So you now have two burning causes,” I felt slightly sick, “encouraging wealthy people in the first world to stop being so selfish and donate money to help starving African children, and encouraging selfish people in the first world to reduce their carbon footprint to save the planet from destruction – tell me – do you have any other plans or ambitions?”

“I certainly do,” he grinned, “I’ve just paid $100,000 to book my ticket to be one of the first astronauts on the maiden flight into Space by the Space XC commercial service next year. By 2014 I will not only be famous for eradicating third world poverty by stopping rich westerners from selfishly frittering away money whilst African babies die of hunger, and for my commitment to ending  global warming by persuading people to reduce their carbon footprint, I’ll also be famous for being the first Irish person in space.”

16 comments on “Marx on Monday: Bob Geldof

  1. grumpyoldmanuk
    October 14, 2013 at 9:12 am #

    I hope Sir Bob remembers to ask for a night launch so that he isn’t over-exposed to the Sun.

    • Phil B
      October 14, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

      My worry is the amount of energy that will be expended by the Irish to make the biggest milk bottle in the world to allow the rocket to be successfully launched.

      Afterwards, it will be like the Millenium Dome – unused, unloved and a white elephant.

  2. Anthony
    October 14, 2013 at 9:54 am #

    In Australia we have Cate Blanchett as our celebrity Pharisee who lectures people on rising ocean levels before jetting off to her beachfront holiday house in low lying Vanauatu.

  3. therealguyfaux
    October 14, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    And in related news, a firm in which Bob Geldof’s charitable trust has invested has successfully bid for the paving contract on the Styx Motorway, aka the M666.

  4. andyL
    October 14, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    James Delingpole certainly proves that you can buy an education, but you can’t buy intelligence.

    Note that I don’t have much love for Sir Bob either.

  5. andyL
    October 14, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/James_Delingpole

    • Rocco
      October 14, 2013 at 3:17 pm #

      If you search for “rationalwiki” on rationalwiki, you can break the internet.

      I’m super duper cereal.

      • andyL
        October 14, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

        I’m spreading ManBearPig awareness

  6. Rocco
    October 14, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    @Andy Excelsior!

    • andyL
      October 14, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

      My balls are extra vinegary

      • Rocco
        October 14, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

        Anyone who doesn’t watch South Park might be awfully confused by this, Andy. 😀

  7. Dave
    October 15, 2013 at 6:54 am #

    James Delingpole’s attempts at satire are far worse than all his other awful writing

    • David
      October 15, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

      Yeah, it is a style I first flirted with in upper sixth, while reading Ayn Rand – and listening to Rush of course.

      • Rocco
        October 15, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

        What style is it you’re flirting with nowadays, Dave?

  8. Tom Huth
    October 15, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    As I like to say, I will think about doing something about my carbon footprint when the likes of Al Gore and Bob Geldoff reduce theirs to twice mine.

  9. Donal Corrigan (@BigDon62)
    October 16, 2013 at 2:41 am #

    You should refrain from giving this Bog Irishman the title ‘Sir” as he’s not entitled to use it, thought you might know that Kevin, you being a Pommy. Anyway If he were a citizen on The UK I fancy Phoney Tony would have given him one of those life peerages. Labour dished them out like confetti after the so called Lords Reform of 1999. Can see Bob becoming an old fart adorning the Lords. That once great chamber has been so debased by Labour’s tenure I don’t think it will ever recover & because of that a fitting place for Bob to park his arse where no one will take him seriously !

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