Marx on Monday: Israel!

I was wandering through downtown Manhattan last week, looking to get something to eat, when I came across the Brick Lane Curry House. It looked busy and when I enquired after a table the waiter asked did I mind sharing. I said no and was led to a table where a smartly dressed man was tucking into a chicken vindaloo. I sat down opposite him. He looked vaguely familiar, and then I realised it was none other than the President of Palestine Mahmoud Abbas, the first foreign leader called by Barack Obama after his inauguration as US President.

“Mahmoud,” I exclaimed, “what are you doing in New York?”

“I’m here for the peace talks Kevin,” he replied, “I’m meeting up with Israeli President Netanyahu and President Obama this afternoon to see if we can settle the Arab-Israeli conflict.”

“And what are the chances of that?” I asked.

“If only the Jews would take the advice of veteran liberal journalist Helen Thomas and go back to Germany and Poland we could sort the whole thing out,” Abbas sighed, “that would be a final solution to the problem of the state of Israel.”

“Don’t you accept that Israel has a right to exist?” I asked him.

“There was no state of Israel before 1948,” Abbas replied, “it has only existed for 65 years, whereas Palestine was an independent state for thousands of years.”

“But wasn’t Israel promised to the Jews by God two thousand years before the birth of Christ?” I played Devil’s advocate, “and wasn’t there an independent state of Israel for over a thousand years until the expulsion of the Jews by the Romans in 70 BC?”

“That might be right,” Abbas conceded, “but between 70 BC and the so-called formation of the state of Israel in 1948 there was an independent state of Palestine which lasted for over two thousand years.”

“But I thought the region was under Roman rule for five hundred years until it was conquered successively by the Persians then by the Byzantines. Then came the six hundred year rule of the Umayyads, the Abbasids and the Crusaders, until the region was conquered by the Mamluk Sultanate in 1260. They held it for nearly three centuries, until the Turkish Ottomans conquered it in 1516. It remained part of the Ottoman Empire until the end of the first World War, in 1918, when it was taken from Turkey and given to Britain who held it pretty much until the formation of the state of Israel in 1948.”

“Your point being?” Abbas frowned.

“That there never has been a nation state of Palestine,” I replied.

“All the more reason why there should be one now,” Abbas countered.

“And what about Israel,” I asked him, “do you recognise her right to exist?”

“All the Palestinians want is to live in peace with Israel,” Abbas replied, “and recognise each other’s right to co-existence.”

“So what do you say about Article 7 of the 1988 Hamas Charter?” I asked him, “Hamas has been looking forward to implement Allah’s promise whatever time it might take. The prophet, prayer and peace be upon him, said: The time will not come until Muslims will fight the Jews and kill them; until the Jews hide behind rocks and trees, which will cry: O Muslim! There is a Jew hiding behind me, come on and kill him!”

“Hamas are the ruling party of the independent Palestinian Gaza strip,” Abbas replied, “they, like all the other Arabs, want peaceful co-existence with Israel but Israel has invaded their sovereign territory on three separate occasions.”

“But wasn’t that in response to Hamas firing 2,700 rockets from within Gaza at Israeli schools and hospitals?”

“Come on Kevin,” Abbas frowned, “you make it sound like Hamas are involved in some sort of Holy War against Israel.”

“But didn’t Ahmad Bahr, Deputy Speaker of the Hamas Parliament, state in a sermon which aired on Al-Aqsa TV on August 10, 2012 that: “If the enemy sets foot on a single square inch of Islamic land, Jihad becomes an individual duty, incumbent on every Muslim, male or female. A woman may set out [on Jihad] without her husband’s permission, and a servant without his master’s permission. Why? In order to annihilate those Jews…Oh Allah, destroy the Jews and their supporters. Oh Allah, destroy the Americans and their supporters. Oh Allah, count them one by one, and kill them all, without leaving a single one.”

“Ahmad Bahr is a little bit radical,” Abbas shrugged.

“And doesn’t Article 28 of the Hamas Charter state, “Israel, by virtue of its being Jewish and of having a Jewish population, defies Islam and the Muslims.” I put to him, “and doesn’t Article 17 of the Hamas Charter state that “Muslims must fulfil their duty and wipe out the Rotary Club because it is the enemy of humanity and Islam.”?”

“Forget Hamas,” Abbas replied, “they are my enemy as well – Hamas and Gaza are not even part of the peace process.”

“So if you negotiate a peace settlement with Israel it won’t involve Hamas,” I clarified with him, “and they will be free to fire another 2,700 rockets at Israeli schools and hospitals?”

“It is the only form of protest open to the Arabs,” Abbas replied, “what else can we do other than fire rockets or urge suicide bombers to kill themselves along with innocent Israeli women and children when Arabs are denied a voice in the so-called state of Israel?”

“But didn’t the Israeli Declaration of Independence state that the State of Israel would ensure complete equality of social and political rights to all its inhabitants irrespective of religion, race or sex, and guaranteed freedom of religion, conscience, language, education and culture,” I asked, “and don’t Arabs living within Israel have the full rights of citizenship including the right to vote and hold public office?”

“They may have those rights in principle,” Abbas shook his head, “but in practice it is impossible for an Arab to achieve high public office in Israel.”

“But aren’t 13 of the 120 members of the Knesset (the Israeli Parliament) Arab citizens of Israel, including Ahmad Tibi, leader of the Arab party Ta’al, who currently serves as Deputy Speaker of the Knesset?”

“They were elected by the 20% of voters made up of Arabs in Israel,” Abbas conceded, “but where are the senior government appointments of Arabs made by Jews?”

“Didn’t Raleb Majadele become the first non-Druze Arab minister in Israel’s history in 2007 when Labour leader Amir Peretz appointed him minister for Science, Culture and Sport?”

“Okay there may have been government appointments of Arabs,” Abbas conceded, “but what about legal and judicial appointments? We’re completely de-barred from the legal process.”

“What about Abdel Rahman Zuabia?” I asked him, “a Muslim from northern Israel – he was the first Arab on the Israeli Supreme Court, appointed in 1999.”

“Okay, there may have been legal appointments,” Abbas conceded, “but to the outside world Arabs are perceived as second class citizens in Israel, and will remain so until they are appointed to the diplomatic service.”

“But what about Ali Yahya, an Arab Muslim who became the first Arab ambassador for Israel in 1995 when he was appointed ambassador to Finland?” I replied. “and then in 2006 he was appointed ambassador to Greece – then there was Walid Mansour, a Druze, appointed ambassador to Vietnamin 1999, and Reda Mansour, also a Druze, appointed Israeli ambassador to Ecuador.”

“Okay there may have been Arab diplomats,” Abbas snapped, “but what about the key positions?”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Arabs are oppressed by the Israeli army,” Abbas informed me, “especially the border police, who prevent Arabs from entering Israel for purely racist reasons.”

“But isn’t Major General Hussain Fares, a Palestinian Arab, commander of Israel’s border police?” I asked him.

“That may well be right Kevin,” Abbas snapped, “but if Israel are such a fair and liberal country why have they elected Benjamin Netanyahu as Prime Minister?”

“What’s wrong with Netanyahu?” I asked.

“He has made it a pre-condition of the peace talks that the Arabs recognise Israel’s right to exist,” he replied, “which makes him in the words of Hamas and the Arab League, “a racist and an extremist.” He has also written a book entitled “A Durable Peace, Israel and its Place Among the Nations.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” I asked him.

“Israel does not have a place among the nations,” he frowned, “it isn’t a nation, it is occupied Palestine. Netanyahu’s offensive book fails to recognise that.”

“What about your book Mahmoud?” I challenged him, “some people have described that as offensive.”

My book – offensive?” he scoffed, “I don’t see how anyone can make that claim.”

“What is your book called?” I asked him.

“The Other Side: the Secret Relationship Between Nazism and Zionism,” Abbas replied.

“Tell me a little about it,” I asked the Palestinian president who was to preside over the peace talks with Israel.

”In the book I simply point out that the Nazi Holocaust has been exaggerated,” Abbas explained, “and that the Zionists have created “the myth” of six million murdered Jews.”

“So was there a holocaust?” I challenged him.

“No,” he replied, “the claim by the Zionists that the Nazis murdered six million Jews is a fantastic lie.”

“So are you saying that no Jews were killed?”

“A small handful,” Abbas conceded, “but they were killed as a result of a Zionist-Nazi plot aimed to fuel international sympathy for the formation of a Jewish state of Israel.”

“Let me get this right,” I asked him, “are you saying that any Jews murdered by the Nazis in the holocaust were killed by agreement with international Zionism?”

“Absolutely,” Abbas smiled.

“So are these peace talks your first diplomatic mission as President of non-existent Palestine?” I asked him.

“No,” Abbas replied, “In 2010 I visited Hiroshima in Japan, the scene of the first atom bomb explosion, which killed nearly half of Hiroshima’s population of 350,000 within seconds and destroyed three quarters of its buildings and infrastructure. It also poisoned the water supply and the whole area with radiation which will last for a thousand years or more, and caused thousands of birth defects and a 40,000% increase in cancer amongst locals.”

“And was your diplomatic mission a success?”

“Not really,” Abbas sulked, “I sympathised with the suffering of Hiroshima, which I compared to the suffering of the Palestinians whose homes had been destroyed by Israeli bulldozers.”

“And what did Japan’s President Hatoyama say?” I asked him.

“He told me to sod off,” Abbas replied.

9 comments on “Marx on Monday: Israel!

  1. John Eaton
    August 5, 2013 at 11:13 am #

    These satires are a work of genius.

    Please will you bring them all out as a paperback when you have enough of them.

  2. Rebecca
    August 5, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    Have you had a bump on the head?

  3. David James
    August 6, 2013 at 11:32 am #

    Is he any relation to Karl?

  4. David Penglase
    August 8, 2013 at 12:34 am #


  5. Ian Gull
    August 8, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    Cover this Kev’

  6. Miru
    August 12, 2013 at 6:24 am #

    Thank you for explaining all of this in a very clear way!

  7. Gary Crosby
    August 24, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    This ridiculous Holy War will only end when the Israeli tanks finally claim victory over the Palestinian children who throw stones at them. In fact we shouldn’t call them children but terrorists with their weapons of mass destruction with which they try to destroy poor innocent tanks.


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