Marx on Monday: How prophet Obama spreads the love and our money

Times are hard for American taxpayers but luckily, in President Obama, America has a leader of wisdom and compassion who knows exactly what is needed to put the American economy back on track.

First tax increases. On the 1st of January this year Obama introduced 13 new taxes which were described in the Washington Post as “taxmageddon.” These taxes, which fell mainly on the middle classes, will raise billions of dollars of much needed revenue for President Obama’s government coffers.

These modest tax increases will go hand in hand with government spending cuts of $85 billion a year. These cuts will, according to President Obama, “cause real pain to middle class families who will have their lives disrupted in significant ways.”

The cuts are obviously necessary. Under President Obama American government spending has resulted in a total government spending deficit, from 2009 to 2013, of $5,332,720,000 – $6,332,000 more than the 43 previous American Presidents’ combined.

If you look at a league table of government spending country by country you will see that, not only are America the highest government spending country in the world, but that American government spending in 2013 is higher than that of the next 15 highest government spending countries combined.

Obama’s economic brilliance has, unfortunately, resulted in America currently having a federal debt of $16.5 trillion and the pressure is on for him to make deeper cuts on all non-essential public spending.

I was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Chicago last week and bumped into the great man himself, hunched over a notepad, pen in one hand, piece of fried chicken in the other.

“Hi Mr President,” I greeted him, “what are you up to?”

“Hi Kevin,” he replied, “I’m trying to balance the books.”

“And how are you going to do that?”

“If I’m going to eradicate our deficit during my time in office I need to find tax increases and spending cuts of $5 trillion a year.”

“So who are you going to tax?”

“In theory the middle classes,” he replied, “but I’ve already taxed them back to the stone age. The only world leader in history who has raised taxes more than I have is Prince John during the time of Richard the Lionheart, and that led to the rise of Robin Hood.”

“And what about spending cuts?”

“I’ve already hacked public spending by 15%,” President Obama replied, “the only thing left to cut is medicare and food stamps, but if I cut either of those it will lose millions of democratic votes. No Kevin, it’s impossible, to balance the books I need to save 1% of annual government spending – around $23 billion – where am I going to find those kind of cuts?”

“What about foreign aid?” I asked. “How much does America on that?”

“Since I came to power I’ve increased American government spending on foreign aid by 110% – it now costs American taxpayers just over $23 billion a year.”

“So do you have plans to cut it?”

“Quite the contrary,” he replied, “I’m going to increase it to $52 billion a year. America, as the world’s richest nation, has a moral obligation to help the world’s poor.”

“Surely there must be some American foreign aid projects you can cut?” I played Devil’s advocate.

“Name one!” President Obama challenged me.

“What about aid to North Korea?” I replied, “a state which is openly dedicated to the destruction of the USA. Since 1995 they have received $1.3 billion in US overseas aid and you now have plans to increase food aid to them.”

“Their people are starving Kevin,” the President replied, “they need food aid more than ever.”

“But hasn’t practically every cent of the $1.3 billion sent to North Korea by US taxpayers been diverted by their government and used to finance their nuclear missiles which are now pointed at America?”

“North Korea is a special case,” Obama replied, “we’re playing the long game with them. But I think you’ll find that every other country in the world that receives our aid is a friend of America.

“What about Gaza?” I replied, ” they receive $600 million a year in overseas aid from the US taxpayers, but didn’t Ahmad Bahr, Deputy Speaker of the Hamas Parliament, state in a sermon which aired on Al-Aqsa TV, “Oh Allah, destroy the Jews and their supporters. Oh Allah, destroy the Americans and their supporters. Oh Allah, count them one by one, and kill them all, without leaving a single one.”

“Gaza is not a nation state,” Obama pointed out.

“Well then what about China,” I asked him, “America gives China $12 million a year in foreign aid and China loans it back to America and charges 5% interest. America now owes China $1.5 trillion in loans, paying $75 billion a year in interest.”

“So in the overall scheme of things,” Obama replied, “the $12 million a year we give China in overseas aid is a drop in the ocean.”

“But it takes an awful lot of US taxpayers’ money to raise $12 million,” I replied.

“You’re just concentrating on the negatives Kevin,” President Obama complained, “what about the tremendous successes achieved by US foreign aid?”

“Like what?”

“Like our $27 million project to train Moroccans to create and design pottery to sell in domestic and international markets.”

“And was that successful?”

“It was a qualified success,” Obama replied, “the interpreters we hired were fluent in French and Arabic but couldn’t speak English so couldn’t translate what the American trainers were saying, but in spite of that 56 Moroccans started the course and 10 finished it.”

“At a cost to the US taxpayers of $2.7 million dollars each,” I replied, “that doesn’t sound like a tremendous success.”

“The problem was,” Obama frowned, “that after we started the project we discovered that Morocco has been making pottery for three thousand years. It’s the country’s biggest industry, with three million Moroccans being trained potters.”

“So how was your project a success?”

“Because thanks to our $27 million investment, there are now three million and ten!”

“Any other successful projects?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” Obama replied, “Afghanistan.”

“And what successes have you had there?”

“Too many to mention,” the President smiled, “with a special focus on combatting sexism and homophobia.”

“Give me some examples,” I challenged him.

“We provided thousands of bicycles for Muslim women to ride around on.”

“And was that a success?”

“Not really,” the President sighed, “they found them difficult to ride whilst wearing their head to toe burkhas. They had a choice of either hitching them up above their waists and riding around showing their knickers or falling off.”

“And what did they choose?”

“They all fell off,” the President admitted, “and the bikes were stolen by Al Qaeda, but we were undeterred. We bought 100,000 kites with feminist slogans written on them and gave them out to little girls.”

“And how did that go?”

“Not well”, Obama looked dejected, “they were all confiscated by the Afghan police and given out to boys instead.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, we provided $100,000 to Australian stealth rocker Travis Beard who performed a concert to teach Afghan youth how to rock out.”

“And how did that go?”

“He was arrested five minutes into the show,” Obama replied, “the Afghan police considered his gyrating dancing to be lewd and offensive behaviour.”

“What happened to him?”

“He was fined $10,000 dollars,” the President replied, “and we had to pay his fine out of the foreign aid budget.”

“So another failure,” I shook my head, “didn’t anything work?”

“Yes,” Obama protested, “take the Ammanudin yoga foundation, for example.”

“And what exactly is the Ammanudin Yoga foundation?”

“It was a foundation set up by a french travel writer and male model to train yogis in the secret techniques of ayurvedic consciousness.”

“What for?”

“We built a school, the Ammanudin ayurvedic yoga school, with $10 million of American taxpayers money. The aim was to teach ex-convicts, soldiers, mental hospital patients, children, the Taliban and members of Al Qaeda ayurvedic yogic practices and meditation which would turn their hearts and minds towards peace and away from violence.”

“That sounds like a promising project,” I conceded, “how did it go?”

“It went brilliantly until the lunchtime of its opening day,” Obama replied, “then a suicide bomber student blew himself up, killing himself, all of the yogic instructors and destroying the school building.”

“And you call that a success?”

“At least it lasted longer than Travis Beard’s stealth rock concert,” Obama defended himself.

“Is there any US overseas aid project in Afghanistan which you’re particularly proud of?” I asked him.

“Absolutely,” the President replied, “we handed out 10,000 pink balloons to school children with pro-gay slogans and the arguments in favor of same sex marriage printed on them.”

“That’s all very worthy,” I pointed out, “but didn’t it prompt the Afghan President to state, “I want to ask the Americans if, after 11 years of absurd and unwanted projects like pink balloons, they ever stopped to ask the people they’re trying to help what they want. What do Afghans need? We need security, schools, universities, hospitals, roads, food, drinking water, and jobs. What we don’t need is 10,000 pink balloons.”?”

“The USA gives $2.5 billion a year to Afghanistan,” Obama replied defiantly, “and whatever the Afghan president says I don’t think there will be many American taxpayers who think that spending their hard earned tax dollars on providing Afghans with 10,000 anti-homophobic pink balloons is a waste of American taxpayers’ money.”

One comment on “Marx on Monday: How prophet Obama spreads the love and our money

  1. JL
    July 16, 2013 at 8:15 am #

    You know satire’s at its best when you just about can’t tell if what’s being said is true or not.

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