Marx on Monday – Pay more tax to get nothing in return

When Ed Milliband announced in January on the Andrew Marr show that in his view universal benefits for pensioners were an important bedrock of our society I began to seriously doubt his socialist credentials.

“What about the rich fat cat pensioners?” I was screaming at the television , “those that are on more than £40,000 a year!”

Imagine my relief when today Labour announced that they would remove the winter fuel allowance for “rich” pensioners with an income of more than £40,000.

I always knew, deep down, that we could rely on Red Ed to soak the rich and create a fairer society.

Astonishingly this new progressive policy has its critics on the hard left. Even Bolinger Bolshevik Owen Jones is getting in on the action – “What the assault on universalism really means is the further destruction of Britain’s already-collapsing social cohesion,” Owen warned in today’s Independent – using long words that only posh people like him know.

I was in Ladbrokes earlier on today putting a bet on which Tory connected to Number 10 was involved in the sex scandal reported in the Mail on Sunday. I had already put a tenner on Michael Gove shagging Nadine Dorries at odds of 7/4 when Ed Miliband walked in and confidently put £100 on Boris Johnson shagging Glenys Kinnock at odds of 100/1.

“That seems a bit of a long shot Ed,” I exclaimed, “isn’t Glenys nearly seventy?”

“Think about it Kevin,” he replied, “Boris has already shagged everybody under pensionable age – and what with Neil following Cardiff City home and away it gives Glenys and Boris every opportunity to get it together on Saturdays.”

“So she won’t need her winter fuel allowance,” I said.

“Absolutely not,” Ed replied, “not with Boris keeping her warm at night.”

“I heard today that you’re scrapping the winter fuel allowance for all wealthy pensioners,” I said, “why is that?”

“There are two reasons,” Ed replied, “there is more chance of wealthy pensioners shagging Boris Johnson than voting Labour and we are trying to create a fairer “one nation” society.”

“And how does that work?” I asked.

“On the basis that anyone who works hard and is successful in life is unlikely to vote Labour,” Ed replied, “we need to tax them to the hilt and remove universal benefits like the winter fuel allowance, free bus passes and, ultimately, old age pensions.”

“So the harder you work the more you pay and the less you get?”

“Absolutely,” Ed nodded in agreement, “if you want full benefits like the winter fuel allowance you need have paid little or no tax. My vision of a fairer “one nation” society is very simple. If you work hard, earn a reasonable salary and make sensible contributions to your pension we will tax you to the hilt. If you do nothing except watch Jeremy Kyle and eat Greggs and McDonalds all day – and spend all your money on booze, lottery tickets and fags – you don’t have to contribute anything to society at all.”

“But aren’t the workshy a drain on society?” I played Devil’s advocate, “doesn’t their sedentary lifestyle, diet and drinking and smoking habits put a tremendous drain on the health service?”

“It certainly does,” Ed agreed.

“And isn’t the main reason the NHS isn’t completely overrun that rich people have private medical insurance?”

“Yes I think that’s right,” Ed agreed.

“And don’t rich people not only have to fund poor people’s health care they also have to pay school fees to send their children to private schools and pay huge taxes to fund state education for poor people’s children?”

“You’re beginning to get the picture,” Ed smiled.

“I was talking to a criminal barrister friends of mine last week,” I said, “well – not exactly a friend – he was representing me in court – and he was moaning that when a person on benefits has a baby he pays for every single aspect of that child’s life. Its home, its food, its clothing, healthcare, education – even its pension – including its winter fuel allowance. He said it wasn’t fair.”

“Nonsense,” Ed shook his head, “instead of complaining that criminal barrister should celebrate the fact that the child’s mother will raise that child in such a way that it is guaranteed to generate income for the criminal barrister in the future.”

“That might be true,” I conceded, “but I don’t think that type of political philosophy will persuade him to vote Labour.”

“That’s the point Kevin,” Ed laughed, “rich barristers, people with good jobs, people who have succeeded in life – none of them will vote Labour, so let’s tax them back to the stone age and use their money to bribe poor and workshy citizens to vote for me.”

“Including the pensioners?”

“Especially the pensioners,” Ed became animated, “we’re only going to remove the winter fuel allowance from 5% of them – from 60,000 natural Tory voters.”

“But it’s not a popular policy with everyone,” I replied, “Peter Hain has come out strongly against it.”

“I’m not surprised,” Ed laughed, “Peter is due to be 65 just before the next election. He doesn’t fancy losing his winter fuel allowance.”

“But aren’t you worried you may lose him as a Labour voter?”

“Peter has belonged to that many political parties none of us are assured of his vote,” Ed replied.

“So what’s your message to the 60,000 pensioners who would lose their winter fuel allowance under a Labour Government?” I tried to pin him down.

“Pay more tax,” he replied, “and get nothing in return!”

2 comments on “Marx on Monday – Pay more tax to get nothing in return

  1. Chip
    June 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

    They need to understand that the more you subsidize poverty, the more poverty you’ll get… Nevermind, that was the strategy to begin with, wasn’t it?

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  1. Steynian 472nd | Free Canuckistan! - June 7, 2013

    […] probably explains their appeal; Radio 4 and the divine rights of central bankers; Pay more tax to get nothing in return … […]

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