Marx on Monday – gay marriage

Listening to the debate in the commons last week about same sex marriage one fact has become crystal clear to me – if you oppose gay marriage you are a fascist!

Thank goodness then, that there are still those with the courage and principles to stand up to homophobia and attempt to remove this plague from our society. I’m talking about organizations like the “Trafford Housing Trust” who took decisive action to punish gay hating housing manager Adrian Smith, a 55 year old married father of one and a part time evangelical preacher, who posted the following unbelievably homophobic message on Facebook.

“I don’t understand why people who have no faith and don’t believe in Christ would want to get hitched in church. The Bible is quite specific that marriage is for men and women.”

For that hate crime he was, quite rightly, disciplined by his organization, demoted and had his salary cut by 40%.

And thank goodness for people like gay freedom fighter Floyd Lee Corkins who was rightly incensed by the existence of conservative groups like “The Family Research Council”, who oppose gay marriage on religious grounds, and saw himself as having no option but to storm their offices armed to the teeth – with a gun, a hundred rounds of ammunition and fifteen chicken sandwiches – in an attempt to, according to him, “kill as many people as possible and smear chicken sandwiches in the victims’ faces, then kill the guard in an effort to make a statement against the people who work in that building.”

Corkins, the heroic gay rights activist, managed to shoot the guard but was then overpowered before he could kill everybody in the building and smear their dead faces with chicken sandwiches.

And thank goodness for the Obama administration who ignored the bleatings of another homophobic, conservative Christian organization, “The Traditional Values Coalition” whose president Andrea Lafferty received information that Corkins intended to murder everyone in her office. She attempted to contact President Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder to ask for protection but his receptionist refused to put through her call, saying he was too busy drafting a same sex marriage bill, and advised her to call 911 and an officer would probably attend and file some paperwork.

Organizations like “The Family Research Council” and “The Traditional Values Coalition” deserve to be targeted by heroes of the gay cause like Floyd Lee Corkins because they perpetuate the homophobic myth that the bible forbids same sex marriage.

I know there are conservative Christians out there who will be screaming that the bible does forbid gay marriage, and I myself used to think it did, but I was put right on the subject only last week. I was in Chicago and went to the local YMCA for a sauna. There were a few guys already in there and, when the steam cleared, I saw that one of them was none other than Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States.

“So Barack,” I challenged him, “what are your views on gay marriage?”

“I’m 100% in favor of it Kevin,” he replied.

“But didn’t you say in your 2008 election campaign, and I quote, “I believe that marriage is the union between a man and a woman. For me as a Christian, it is a sacred union. You know, God is in the mix.””

“Yes I did,” he laughed, “but after wrestling with the subject for many years, I have come to believe same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.”

“But doesn’t it trouble you as a Christian,” I asked him, “that gay marriage is forbidden in the bible?”

“No it isn’t,” he rejoined, “that’s a conservative myth perpetuated by homophobes like Romney.”

“But doesn’t it say at Leviticus 18:22 – Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination?”

“I didn’t know that verse,” Obama replied, “but whoever wrote that is guilty of homophobia and hate crime.”

“It was Moses,” I replied.

“Well whoever he is he deserves to be in prison,” the President snorted, “but anyway that’s all eye for an eye Old Testament rubbish, give me a New Testament quote, after Christ said we should turn the other cheek.”

“Doesn’t it say in 1Corinthians 6:9 that men who practice homosexuality will not inherit the kingdom of God?”

“And which idiot wrote that?” Obama frowned.

“Saint Paul,” I replied.

“Look Kevin,” said the President, “with all due respect to St Paul and Moses the world has moved on. I am the peoples’ moral compass now, not them, and I say that the state has no right to interfere with a citizen’s private morality.”

“But doesn’t society have the right to defend its moral code?” I played devil’s advocate.

“None whatsoever,” President Obama shook his head.

“So can a man marry his mother in Church?” I challenged him.

“As long as they don’t have children,” he replied.

“And a brother can marry a sister?”

“Absolutely!”

“And can you marry your pet dog?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” President Obama replied, “I remember the case of a nine year old Indian girl, Karnamoni Hansa. She was suffering from toothache which was considered in her village near Calcutta to be as a result of an evil spell. The only way to break it was for her to marry a stray dog called Bacchan.”

“And did she marry it?” I asked.

“She most certainly did,” President Obama replied, “the wedding took place last year in the village Temple in front of a hundred guests. The bride wore white and the dog wore a shiny new collar.  It was a beautiful wedding – a real love match!”

“And you want to see this sort of thing brought to America do you?” I challenged him.

“I expect it,” said Obama, “after we introduce same sex marriages we won’t be able to stop it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“The first same sex marriages in America took place in Boulder Colorado in 1975,” Obama explained, “five gay couples were issued with marriage licenses in the interests of equality. Then a local farmer, Ros Howard, showed up at the County Courthouse with his horse Dolly, demanding to be allowed to marry her.”

“And what do you think about that Mr President?”

“I think it’s disgusting!”

“Why’s that?”

“Because the man was a paedophile,” President Obama replied, “the horse was only 8 years old!”

3 comments on “Marx on Monday – gay marriage

  1. Random
    May 28, 2013 at 2:53 am #

    Well done Kevin. Well done and well said.

  2. Julio!
    May 28, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

    A few other things the bible bans:

    • Round haircuts. See you in Hell, Beatles… and/or kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my favorite) butt cuts. Leviticus 19:27 reads “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”
    • Football. At least, the pure version of football, where you play with a pigskin. The modern synthetic footballs are ugly and slippery anyways. Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads “You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.”

    And you’re doubly breaking that if you wake up, eat some sausage then go throw around the football. Or go to the county fair and enter a greased pig catching contest.
    • Fortune telling. Before you call a 900 number (do people still call 900 numbers, by the way?), read your horoscope or crack open a fortune cookie, realize you’re in huge trouble if you do.

    Leviticus 19:31 reads “Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God.” The penalty for that? Check Leviticus 20:6: “As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.”

    Seems like a lifetime of exile is a pretty harsh penalty for talking to Zoltar.
    • Pulling out. The Bible doesn’t get too much into birth control… it’s clearly pro-populating but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or the sponge, so those don’t get specific bans.

    But… pulling out does. One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses… the one that’s used as anti-masturbation rhetoric… is actually anti-pulling out.

    It’s Genesis 38:9-10: “Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.”

    Yep — pull out and get smote. That’s harsh.

    Tattoos. No tattoos. Leviticus 19:28 reads, “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.”

    Not even a little butterfly on your ankle. Or Thug Life across your abdomen. Or even, fittingly enough, a cross.
    • Polyester, or any other fabric blends. The Bible doesn’t want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It’s sinfully unnatural.

    Leviticus 19:19 reads, “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”

    Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn’t realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor’s wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)
    • Divorce. The Bible is very clear on this one: No divorcing. You can’t do it. Because when you marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, you “are no longer two, but one flesh.” And, Mark 10:9 reads, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

    Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'”
    • Letting people without testicles into church. Whether you’ve been castrated or lost one or two balls to cancer isn’t important. The Bible doesn’t get that specific. It just says you can’t pray.

    Deuteronomy 23:1 reads (this is the God’s Word translation, which spells it out better), “A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.”

    Oh, and the next verse says that if you’re a bastard, the child of a bastard… or even have a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchild of a bastard, you can’t come to church or synagogue either. Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”
    • Wearing gold. 1 Timothy 2:9 doesn’t like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any clothes you’re wearing that you didn’t get from Forever 21, Old Navy or H&M.

    “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Steynian 469rd | Free Canuckistan! - May 28, 2013

    […] MARX ON MONDAY– “Listening to the debate in the commons last week about same sex marriage one fact has […]

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