Marx on Monday – vote Obama

You may not be able to tell it from my name but my family are actually refugees from Chechnya in Southern Russia. My father was a prominent member of the Islamic International Brigade, fighting for Chechen independence from Russia.

To realize his dream of an independent state of Chechnya he had no option but to organize an indiscriminate bombing campaign of Russian apartment buildings. The campaign was successful in that it killed 293 innocent men, women and children, but the downside is that my father was wanted for terrorism and genocide. We had to seek political asylum, and fast, – and where better to go than the land of the free and the home of the brave – the United States of America.

I remember the glorious day we arrived in America. Our ship sailed past the Statue of Liberty and I wept as I read the famous inscription, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” This was the country for me.

No sooner had the ship docked that we were given a spacious apartment, paid for entirely by welfare, and money for clothes and furniture. Everything was free. Education, health, accommodation, food and clothing – all funded by welfare payments generously paid for by the American taxpayers – there was no need for us to work!  My parents stayed home all day watching television whilst my brother and I went to school.

I did well and wanted to go to college – but my family was too poor to afford the fees. Fortunately, however, I was awarded a substantial academic scholarship – again funded by the American taxpayers, to pay for my college fees – and my adopted American city even held a reception in my honor.  I couldn’t believe it! If my family had remained in Chechnya my father would have been tortured and killed and the rest of us would have been left destitute. We would have had no home, no food, no clothes, no healthcare and no education – God bless my new home – America – for providing all of that and more for free!

I had to think of a way to thank the American people for their incredible generosity to my family and I and decided there was only one thing I could do to pay them back for their kindness – I would build a bomb and try and kill as many of them as I could!  But where to start? I had no idea how to build a bomb. Fortunately, however, with a little internet research I found just the man who could help me to kill as many Americans as possible, and, even more fortunately, he was a man who lived in my neighborhood. His name was Bill Ayers.

In the 1960’s Bill, the son of a communist, had, along with his wife Bernardine Rae Dohrn, formed a terrorist, communist revolutionary group called the “Weather Underground,” or “Weathermen.” They had one aim, to immediately begin a violent, armed struggle with bombing campaigns against America.

Ayres and the Weathermen set off bombs in the New York City Police Department headquarters in 1970 – killing one policeman and blinding another, the United States Capitol building in 1971, and the Pentagon in 1972. Ayres’s former girlfriend was blown up and killed with another two Weathermen as they were priming a bomb to blow up army officers and their wives and girlfriends at a dance at the Fort Dix Army base in protest at the war in Vietnam.  In 1970 Ayres and the Weathermen declared war on the American people and waged their campaign of violent struggle well into the 1980s.

Clearly this was a man after my own heart – I had to meet him.  I decided that a direct approach was most appropriate and went around to his house to explain my plans.

“Come in Kevin,” he greeted me warmly, “What can I do for you?”

“I want to build a bomb and kill some Americans,” I replied.

“Ah a bomb,” he smiled, “that takes me back a few years.”

“Well, not just one bomb,” I said, “I want to start a bombing campaign and destroy America.”

“We tried that,” he shook his head, “we planted dozens of bombs to try and destroy this disgusting country, but then I hit on a new idea. An idea which, without violence, would bring this once great nation to its knees.”

“And what was that?” I asked.

“I trawled the nation in an attempt to find my ideal candidate to be the President,” he replied. “He needed to be naïve, economically incompetent in a spectacular fashion and have a social conscience like mine.”

“And did you find such a man?” I asked.

“I certainly did,” he smiled, “it was a young man called Barrack Obama who served with me for three years on the board of directors of the Woods Fund of Chicago. I got to know him very well and it seemed to me that if I could only get him elected as President he’d destroy the country in no time.”

“That sounds like a great plan,” I said, “was he married?”

“Yes he was,” Ayres replied, “his wife Michelle worked at the same law firm as my wife Bernardine, and she was pretty convinced that, as first lady, Michelle  would contribute greatly to destroying America.”

“So you’d identified your perfect candidates for President and first lady. What did you do then?”

“I held a fundraising rally at my home with Illinois Senator Alice Palmer, who introduced Obama as her chosen successor.”

“And what happened?”

“He was adopted as the democratic State Senate candidate. I was the first person to donate to his campaign fund. After that the rest was just plain sailing. He was the perfect democratic presidential nominee. He was young, good looking and had bucketloads of easy charm. He was also very left wing and economically clueless.”

“And where there any problems?”

“Only one,” Bill replied, “he was a very good speaker – he could talk eloquently for hours on end without actually saying anything – but he was poor on paper. He desperately wanted to write an autobiography called “Dreams from my father” to help his presidential campaign.”

“And did he write it?”

“No,” Bill Ayres shook his head, “I did.”

“You wrote “Dreams from my father?”

“That’s right,” Bill confirmed, “I wrote his autobiography for him, our wives worked together, we served as co-directors on the Woods Fund of Chicago for three years, I launched his political career with a party at my house and contributed financially to his election campaign.”

“But wouldn’t an association with you harm his political career – you being a terrorist?”

“We considered that,” he replied, “and decided that if he was asked Obama should lie about it. He should just say that I am a guy who lives in his neighborhood.”

“And now he’s President,” I said.

“That’s right,” Bill nodded, “and he’s well on his way to destroying not only the economy but the American way of life. So my advice to you Kevin is to forget your bombing campaign. If you truly hate America and are utterly dedicated to destroying it all you need to do is cast your vote for Barack Obama.”


4 comments on “Marx on Monday – vote Obama

  1. Henry Brubaker (@Inst_4_Studies)
    May 14, 2013 at 9:07 am #

    Seriously, you blow up the Pentagon and murder a NYPD officer and you don’t go to jail? When I read this I though Bill Ayers must have been a work of fiction. I used google. He isn’t.

    • jazz606
      May 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm #

      Henry Brubaker

      I did exactly as you did and cannot believe that Ayers is still at large.

  2. Gea
    May 14, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

    There is no mention of Obama cavorting with the Islamists of Muslim Brotherhood whose goal is to “infiltrate America and destroy Western civilization from within to establish the only true religion of Islam to rule over all others”. They are already in the White house and Obama gives them US taxpayers money and F-16 for their war on Egyptian women and on Israel.

  3. vladimpala
    May 15, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    How do we find who wrote something here?

    What’s the author’s name that we are supposed to tell he’s from Russia??

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