Marx on Monday – Gun toting Republicans

As an Englishman I have to admit that, like my compatriot Piers Morgan, I struggle to understand the American obsession with guns. Like Piers, I am greatly relieved that President Obama is going to do something about it.

Great politicians throughout the ages have realised the folly of allowing huge swathes of their citizens to own guns. Adolf Hitler identified it in the 1930’s when he said, “The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the people to possess arms.” Now Barack Obama is set to join Hitler and ban the people from owning guns and, like Hitler, he will do it wholly undemocratically.

Obama knows that he could never persuade congress to repeal the 222 year old 2nd amendment so he’s not even going to try. He will repeal it by Presidential decree using executive powers. He has already used these powers on numerous occasions to make America a better place in the face of stupid opposition by democratically elected congress. Thanks to Obama’s courageous and intelligent use of Presidential decree he has managed, in the face of overwhelming opposition by congress, to decree an illegal immigration amnesty; to recess-appoint friends as high government officials when Congress wasn’t actually in recess and to provide weapons to Mexican drug cartels. Now, thank goodness, he’s going to use his decree again to repeal the 2nd Amendment.

Typically the NRA are up in arms. But everyone knows that every member of the NRA is a red-necked lunatic. Obama shouldn’t listen to a single one of their 4.5 million members. He needs to be guided on gun control by America’s greatest genius of the 21st century – Michael Moore.

I bumped into Michael in McDonalds last week and asked him if repealing the 2nd Amendment was strictly necessary.

“Absolutely Kevin,” he replied, “the NRA harp on about it being every American’s constitutional right to own a gun, but in reality they are all sexually repressed morons – their guns are an extension of their penis.”

“But I thought Sigmund Freud said that a fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.”

“Well then Sigmund Freud is an idiot,” Michael scoffed, “I have a fear of weapons, do I seem to you to be sexually repressed and emotionally immature?”

“No Michael,” I re-assured him, “absolutely not.”

“What people like Sigmund Freud don’t realise is the terrible damage that gun ownership does to America,” Michael ranted, “guns have become America’s biggest killer – last year alone they were responsible for the death of over 9,000 Americans!”

“What about heart disease,” I replied, “caused by obesity brought on by eating too much fatty fast food – doesn’t that kill 600,000 Americans a year?”

“Whose side are you on Kevin?” he screamed, climbing out of his seat and drawing himself up to his full 5 feet 8 inches of height. He stood in front of me, all 365 pounds of him, quivering with rage. I thought he was going to hit me then he relaxed, slumped back into his chair, and took a huge bite out of his supersized Big Mac.

“I’m on the side of truth and justice,” I replied.

“Well let me tell you about truth and justice,” said Michael, stuffing a handful of French fries into his mouth, “justice is the right for every American to eat what they like and weigh what they like. The government have no right to interfere with the freedom of the individual – not even to save 600,000 lives a year. Freedom is much more important than that – don’t you agree?”

“Absolutely,” I nodded my head.

“And truth,” he continued, “is that gun ownership in America is out of control. 88% of people now own a gun, and the death rate per 100,000 citizens from guns is a shameful 2.97 – one of the highest in the world.”

“I thought America was in 28th place,” I replied, “one place ahead of Leichtenstein, and a long way behind the likes of Honduras, with 68 deaths per 100,000 citizens.”

“Maybe,” Michael replied, “but the death rate per 100,000 citizens doesn’t tell the whole story. 88% of Americans own guns and 9,146 Americans were killed by guns last year. There is a direct correlation between the amount of guns in a country and the amount of people killed by them. It’s indisputable common sense!”

“But only 8% of Brazilians own guns,” I replied, “so there are only 16 million guns in Brazil – yet 34,768 Brazilians were killed by guns last year, whereas there are 270 million guns in American, and only 9,146 deaths last year.”

“Brazil is an aberration,” Michael replied, “but you’ll find that in every other country in the world the greater the percentage of people who have guns, the more people are killed by them.”

“But in Bahrain, where 24.8% of people own guns, there were no people killed by guns last year at all,” I replied, “yet in Bangladesh, where only 0.5% of people own guns, 1,456 people were killed by them.”

“Maybe,” Michael sighed, “but you mustn’t get bogged down by statistics. The anti-gun lobby has all the intellectual arguments on our side. All of America’s great Presidents, thinkers, intellectuals and celebrities – people like me, President Obama, Joe Biden and Piers Morgan are all for repealing the 2nd Amendment. You name one great President, thinker, intellectual or celebrity who is pro the 2nd Amendment.”

“What about Brad Pitt?” I replied, “He said ““America is a country founded on guns. It’s in our DNA. It’s very strange but I feel better having a gun. I really do. I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel the house is completely safe, if I don’t have one hidden somewhere. That’s my thinking, right or wrong.””

“If he said that then Brad Pitt is an idiot,” he spat back, “and he can’t act for toffee. I was thinking of casting him to play me in the film of my life story, but not anymore!”

“Well then what about the Dalai Lama,” I said, “he said that if someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun.”

“The Dalai Lama isn’t a great thinker,” Michael scoffed, “he’s one of the world’s biggest idiots.”

“What about Thomas Jefferson,” I said, “didn’t he say that the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed?”

“Jefferson was an intellectual pygmy,” Michael replied, “I’m talking about great Presidents, people like JFK.”

“But didn’t Kennedy say that he believes the 2nd amendment will always be important?”

“Well if he did JFK is an idiot too!” Michael replied, “the 2nd Amendment is not important – what’s important is getting rid of gun crime. Once we repeal the 2nd Amendment and make gun ownership illegal criminals won’t have access to them – crime will disappear. Then our police force won’t have to carry guns, which will save a lot more lives. The American police shot 1,146 Americans last year!”

“That sounds fantastic,” I said, “then they’ll be just like our English police.”

“Exactly,” Michael replied, “you don’t know how lucky you are Kevin to live in a country without guns or gun massacres.”

“Well we did have Thomas Hamilton who shot and killed sixteen children and a teacher at a school in 1986,” I corrected him, “and Michael Ryan, who shot thirty two people in 1997, killing seventeen of them.”

“That’s right,” said Michael, “and as a result of those shootings you banned guns in the UK in 1997, thereby ending gun crime!”

“Well actually,” I corrected him again, “we had 2,636 gun crimes in the UK in 1996, the year before guns were banned, but by 2003, six years after the ban, the number of gun crimes had climbed to 5,871. Then in 2010, thirteen years after guns were banned, Derrick Bird shot twenty four people.”

“Look Kevin, “Michael frowned, “let’s not get bogged down with the facts. We need to ban guns because most members of the NRA are Republicans and, in spite of what they say, guns never solved anything. They say Americans need guns for self defence – nonsense! Look at the Alamo in 1836 – William Travis, Jim Bowie, Davy Crockett – they all had guns and what good did that do them?”

“But what choice did the defenders of the Alamo have?” I asked him.

“They had plenty of choice,” Michael spat back, “one of my ancestors, Moses Rose, was there – and he didn’t resort to guns!”

“So what did he do?”

“There were 189 men in the Alamo garrison and they were attacked by a Mexican army of nearly 6,000 men. As the Mexicans approached the commander of the Alamo, William B. Travis, famously drew a line in the sand and asked any man who was prepared to die for Texas to pick up his gun and cross the line. Everyone did, except my uncle Moses. He cleared off out the back – and everyone else stayed and fought for the pride and honour of Texas. By the end of the battle 1,500 Mexicans were dead, along with every one of the 188 Texan defenders.   My uncle Moses was the only one who lived – he was the only real hero of the Alamo – he was the only one who said no to guns and violence – and when we finally manage to repeal the 2nd Amendment President Obama has promised to dedicate our victory to the memory of Moses Rose – the one true hero of the Alamo!”


10 comments on “Marx on Monday – Gun toting Republicans

  1. lastbritstanding
    April 15, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    the hungerford massacre was 1988 and the dunblane massacre, 1996. Other than that, very amusing.

    • lastbritstanding
      April 15, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

      sorry hungerford was 1987 😮

  2. David
    April 16, 2013 at 5:17 am #

    He is useful that Hitler – advocate of gun control, vegatarian, atheist, and of course really a National Socialist.
    One of my favourite tricks that one – the ‘right’ make thier awkward uncle vanish by wheeling him out as quickly as possible as actually – da da – an exemplar of the ‘left’!

  3. Pragmatist
    April 16, 2013 at 10:09 am #

    A fascinating discussion. Rose’s subsequent role as the proprietor of a burger joint in Michigan also tends to be overlooked by historians. Perhaps you might get in touch with Michael again on that subject.

  4. Michael Barger
    April 16, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    Sehr droll. btw I have never been able to understand the British obsession with tea.

  5. Jon
    April 16, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

    Ha ha etc, of course as long as hundreds of thousands die from heart disease then I guess it’s okay for around 9000 to die each year because someone has an itchy trigger finger. Although America is 28th in the list it has one of the highest gun death rates in the developed world

  6. Jon
    April 16, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

    Further to this, not only are around 10,000 people getting shot, but also another 20,000 commit suicide and another 70,000 have gun-related injuries, making roughly 100,000 casualties every year in the US from guns.

  7. jdseanjd
    April 18, 2013 at 8:08 am #

    Brilliant. Thank you. 🙂

    Obarmy knows (or maybe his bankster masters haven’t told him) that the US dollar & entire banking system is due to collapse under the weight of institutionalised corruption & the soon to be unleashed hyperinflation from $85billion per month of money printing (quantitative easing).

    Therefore they are desperate to disarm the US public because they know how horrendous the civil unrest will be when people need $100,000 to buy a loaf of bread.

    Luckily, Obarmy has turned out to be the best gun salesman in history, & ammunition manufacturers in the US are now refusing Federal orders for hollowpoint (killer) ammunition & supplying private individuals instead.

    This could all end extremely nastily.

  8. smitty1e
    April 19, 2013 at 12:01 am #

    You understand that it’s not the guns as physical objects (I don’t personally own one) but the idea an absolute right to self defense, plus the rejection of the utter dishonesty with which this foul course is pursued that are among the major drivers for the blowback.

  9. Paul
    May 4, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    Michael Moore in a McDonalds. I sense carnage.

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