Kevin Marx – a view from the left

Welcome to our new Monday column by the entirely self-taught left wing intellectual and eco-warrior, Kevin Marx. Before you read his first offering we provide a bit of a bio below.

Born into grinding poverty in the north of England he left school with no qualifications and went to prison. Whilst doing time he taught himself to read and determined to make something of his life. After his release he committed a burglary and went back to prison.

He is co-habiting with Sharon, his childhood sweetheart, and together they raise their ten children (except for the the two youngest who are currently in care) in a six bedroom council house overlooking the river Thames in Westminster. He is unable to work as the level of benefits he receives makes it economically unviable, but is determined to do at least one honest days’ work before he retires.

Here is what some of todays leading figures in public life say about him:

“His greatest strength is his honesty – he would no sooner tell a lie than I would.” Tony Blair.

“When I want to know the views of working class Britain I always turn to Kevin. When I start to build my “One Nation” society Kevin Marx will be the first name on the teamsheet.” Ed Milliband.

“He is the voice of a lost generation and the source of most of my facts about climate change.” George Monbiot.

“A great bloke to have a pint with. He does a fantastic impersonation of a cat.” George Galloway.

“A lazy good for nothing bastard who single-handedly sums up what is wrong with Britain today.” James Delingpole.  

 

Let’s face it – we live in a fascist state. Everywhere you look there are fascists. The Tory party; the police; the church; climate change deniers – we are surrounded by fascists. Practically the only people in public life who we can trust are those three wise men, Ed Milliband, George Galloway and George Monbiot – three of our own!

For a very long time, because of our human rights record, we were the laughing stock of Europe. But then, thanks to that great socialist visionary Tony Blair (one of our own,) we finally signed up to the European Human Rights Act. Not before time! What this country needed to expunge a thousand years of human rights’ abuses was a Human Rights Act drafted by Germany – now there’s a country that knows a thing or two about human rights, and animal rights for that matter. In Britain the struggle for animal rights goes on, but forward thinking Germany banned experimenting on animals in 1933.

The only problem with the Human Rights Act is that it doesn’t go far enough – not from a socialist perspective. For sure, we now have the right to housing; the right to education; the right to a fair trial, etc, etc, but what about those other basic human rights that the act is silent on? I’ve been corresponding on the matter with Ed Milliband (a working class boy – just like me – he went to an inner city comprehensive school) and he’s broadly in agreement that the act needs revising to include the four additional basic human rights set out below.

1 – The right to nutritious food: At the moment I find it difficult on my jobseekers allowance to afford nutritious food. You know what I’m talking about; Greggs’ sausage rolls; McDonalds; Subways; Pop Tarts and Pot Noodles. I get my dole on a Thursday, and after I’ve treated myself to a large Big Mac Meal and a few cans of Stella I’ve already spent most of my week’s money.  Like the NHS nutritious food should be free to those most in need of it. The easiest way to police this is to make it available from the doctor on prescription. If I, and the millions of others like me, could visit the doctor on a Wednesday and be prescribed four Greggs’ sausage rolls or a foot long Subway Sub our quality of life would be improved immeasurably. But will Cameron implement such a policy? No – he’s too busy giving tax cuts to millionaires.

2 – The right to lottery tickets and scratchcards: Society at the moment isn’t fair. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I want a fairer society and one way to make it fair is to give people on benefits free lottery tickets, particularly for the Euromillions, so that we can have a chance to win the jackpot and buy a castle, a yacht and a Ferrari.

3 – The right to a decent mobile phone: A recent survey concluded that in the UK 80% of the best mobile phones are owned by 20% of society. Most people on benefits are forced to use inferior pay as you go phones. I propose, in the interests of fairness, that people on jobseekers allowance be given free I-phone 5’s along with their dole money so that they don’t have to feel like second class citizens when they’re texting their mates to arrange to meet down the pub at lunchtime.

4 – The right to Sky: the poorest members of society are often restricted to the basic Sky package. Many of my friends, like me, wake up around lunchtime only to find there’s nothing worth watching on TV. Most of us don’t even have Sky + so we can’t record Jeremy Kyle, which is on too early for us to watch live. People on benefits need daytime TV. It’s alright for rich people – they’re at work during the day – but what are the rest of us meant to do? I woke up at lunchtime on Sunday. Manchester United were playing Chelsea live on Sky Sports 1. But I only had the basic package – so I had to listen to the match on Radio 5 live. Is this fair I ask you? If anything it’s worse in the evening. Whilst rich people can afford to subscribe to as many porn channels as they like poor people like me are restricted to the ten minute freeview at midnight. We’d be lucky if we saw a pair of tits, let alone a tasteful glimpse of vag’.

I’ve sent a letter about the above additional human rights to Ed Milliband and he’s seriously thinking about incorporating them into his “One Nation” manifesto. I’ve also written to George Galloway and am hoping to get him interested on the policy of free Sky porn for all. As for George Monbiot, I didn’t have to write to him. I bumped into him, as I often do, in Greggs (he was buying some sausage rolls and custard tarts) and he agreed to back my proposals to amend the Human Rights Act as long as I backed his plans to abolish global warming – which I readily agreed to . I’ll explain why next Monday.

21 comments on “Kevin Marx – a view from the left

  1. dr
    December 3, 2012 at 8:45 am #

    What about the rights to fast internet access or cheap cigarettes?
    Or government subsidies for gym memberships? All those rich people can afford to keep themselves healthy, but the rest of us now have to go without, what with increased fuel bills to save the planet. The life expectancy amongst the rich is higher than for the poorest…. Sort it out, I say.
    Maybe sometime, you can address these Kevin?
    Lovely to have some “balance” on Bogpaper by the way. Keep it up.

  2. Down
    December 3, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    What about the right to a good self-esteem?

    All those right wing bastards have been trying to deny me that for years. There are many things I need to be happy that they don’t understand or won’t give me…

    The Moocher

  3. John Smith
    December 3, 2012 at 10:51 am #

    One vote for the spoof column of the week ..
    Free sky & scratchcards?
    What you mean is someone else can pay for your laziness

  4. Henry Brubaker
    December 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

    This is funny because its true! Some have accused this of being parody… for shame, people like Kevin here actually exist!

    As someone who earns little more than bugger all and who cannot afford luxuries such as Sky TV or a I thingy 5 phone I feel it important that I pay for those less fortunate than me to have these things through the burden medium of high taxation.

    I work hard so Kevin doesn’t have too. And thats a good thing. Obviously. For the left and for for Britain.

    Our nation will never be great again if we do not continue to subsidies the likes of Kevin here.

    Oh, you might ask, have I ever thought of living a life on benefits instead of struggling on low pay? The answer is no because I am not a c*nt.

    • Bob catley
      December 10, 2012 at 7:49 am #

      Some of them are professors at UK universities

  5. Simon Roberts
    December 4, 2012 at 9:42 am #

    You’re thinking small, Kevin. Everyone has a right to happiness therefore it is the Government’s responsibility to provide whatever makes people happy.

    There’s no need to think cheap either. If people want an expensive car, the Government should provide it. Imagine the boost to the economy from all that spending! The more material goods people require to be happy, the more spending takes place, the healthier the economy will be!

    To those Scrooges who will complain that it’s their taxes that are paying for it, you could simply observe that it is your consumption that is providing them with jobs with which to pay taxes in he first place!

    You will be stimulating the economy and providing jobs to the people who love to work. It’s a winner. Please tell Miliband next time you see him.

    • Simon Roberts
      December 4, 2012 at 9:48 am #

      It’s just been pointed out to me that this idea isn’t as original as I had hoped. It seems that President Obama has already thought of this approach and has made Miliband aware. I understand that Miliband thinks this is a great idea and will be implementing upon his election in 2015.

    • dr
      December 4, 2012 at 11:02 am #

      “To those scrooges who will complain that it’s their taxes that are paying for it….”
      No need to raise taxes. We can print the money. Far better to spend QE cash on Ferraris for all, than bonuses for bankers.

  6. john
    December 4, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

    This is brilliant as far as it goes, but where is the left wing spite, bile, and hatred for those who lead successful and fulfilled lives?

    Kevin, you are too soft, a disgrace to the progressive left. I’ll put your weakness down to ignorance, but please try and get on message. Even if it’s of no immediate benefit to you, you still must learn to back up your brothers and sisters in their calls for more authoritarianism, more thought control, and more persecution of those not on message. After all, this is little to ask in return for all we do for you.

    All the best, comrade.

  7. Charlie
    December 4, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

    I want a fairer society and one way to make it fair is to give people on benefits free lottery tickets, particularly for the Euromillions, so that we can have a chance to win the jackpot and buy a castle, a yacht and a Ferrari.

    This could work, but in conjunction with it we need to abolish ASBOs.

    Magistrates adjourn ASBO court hearing on 18-year-old who won £500,000 on McDonald’s Monopoly game

  8. Charlie
    December 4, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    I’ve just remembered that for some inexplicable reason the reactionary Tories have abolished ASBOs. The way is open for a lottery fairness.

  9. TDK
    December 4, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    thanks to that great socialist visionary Tony Blair (one of our own,)

    Now here’s the thing that detracts from the realism of the piece. No one on the far left loves the Labour Party, and they spend far more time discussing its failings than ever they do on the hated Tories – after all what’s to be said about them apart from the daily 2 minutes hate repeating the standard clichés.

    But whilst the above is true, one Labour leader above all others has been granted the special seal of disapproval. Atlee, Wilson, Callaghan and Brown all disappointed but only Tony Blair is hated as if he were a Tory.

  10. A. Lout
    December 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    They shold also make it iligal not to show us nuff respect. Innit.

  11. Hexhamgeezer
    December 4, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

    Kevin,

    Don’t let the bastards off so lightly. There’s a world of wonder denied to us in Greggs by the parsimonious fascists at the DWP. Festive Bakes and vanilla chocolate doughnuts for one.

    Greggs vouchers are the way forward. About £3.50 a day should get us sausage rolls, corn beef slice and a doughnut. Will they listen? Will they ****

    Or maybe £4.20 – you need a coke with that.

  12. adrian
    December 4, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    The right to screw posh totty. Why should rich bastards get all the best girls? Knowing how to fuck is a natural talent and fat wallets just get in the way.

  13. Pirran
    December 4, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

    I am outraged, OUTRAGED that Kevin’s sincere, heartfelt thoughts should be doubted by the usual sneering Tory bastards that make our life a misery with their condescension and fascist work-ethic.

    Why, WHY can’t we all just get along with the few contributing to the many through voluntary redistribution of their worldly goods via the chain-sawed lock of their back-door.

    I personally know Kevin and can vouch for his inspiring words. Many is the time that he has volunteered to relieve me of the weight of my wallet and selflessly administered acupuncture for my back complaint via the pressure points in my groin. Fortunately, his knee is the perfect fit for this.

    C’mon people. Let’s leave judgements on values and ethics to the professionals and with all due modesty, as Distinguished Professor of Empathy Studies at New Dream University (formerly Snotly Community College), I believe I can help. Only through the due diligence of Sociology, Psychology and Environmental Studies can we hope to heal the Earth, Society and ultimately ourselves.

    Peace Out

    Professor Pirran Simpering-Whimper
    New Dream University.

  14. tony
    December 4, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

    It would be better if you knew how to use punctuation. Otherwise very good!

  15. hexhamgeezer
    December 5, 2012 at 11:26 am #

    Kevin, like so many of the so called anti-fascist Left you are a wee timorous beastie who only dares go so far – you scared of The Man?

    You talk about our rights but stick to sausage rolls at Greggs. There is a world of wonder in them shops which you seem to wish to deny to all the poor. Instead of giving the rich loads of money by not taxing them we should be giving vouchers to the people. There’s festive bakes (yum!) and corn beef slices for one. Why should Mervyn King and his Tory mates be the onlyones who get them?

    At a minimum I would demand about £4.20. That gets you a pack of 4 sausage rolls a festive bake (in season) a vanilla doughnut and a can of coke.
    But will that happen? No and why? because the so-called left just can’t unite – let them eat cake? Sounds like you’re denying the oppressed even that.

  16. AndyClockwise
    December 6, 2012 at 10:29 am #

    Kevin, a brilliantly observed savage indightment of bourgeois society as any of us have read, here at The Institute of Studies, which we hadn’t before, so thanks for that.

  17. grumpyoldmanuk
    December 22, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

    This column is a fraud. The Writer does spelling and even has flashes of syntax. Kevin is obviously a graduate of South Shields Peoples University or similar and is quite possibly Johan Hari making a comeback.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Why is the BBC wasting our money on JK Rowling's socialist misery porn? – Telegraph Blogs - December 4, 2012

    […] If you want an idea of how the underclass really thinks, you're much better off reading this: voice of the people Kevin Marx arguing for taxpayer-funded scratchcards and high-end mobile phones…. […]

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